The Five Most Common Arguments Couples Have Over the Holidays…
…And How to Resolve Them Peacefully!!
Do you and your partner feel more stressed in November and December? Does this affect your relationship, your sex life, your physical health, your state of mind? The holiday season is not just full of cheer. We get stressed about money, family, work, travel, and having and/or going to holiday celebrations. It’s no wonder that in the midst of all the drama we argue most with the person who is closest to us—the person whose expectations we are trying to meet, and who we would like to have meet our expectations as well
According to a survey in 2021 of 2000 Americans, the average couple has seven arguments over the holiday season. Considering that the holiday season is only 6-7 weeks long, and that many of us are spending extra time both at work and at home planning holiday arrangements, that may mean that you and your partner have a big argument almost every time you actually have some time to spend together!
What do couples argue about this time of year? Here are the top issues:
1.Where to spend the holidays (35%) and whose family to visit (29%)
2.How much to spend on gifts (31%)
3.Who cleans up (27%) and who cooks the holiday dinner (24%)
4.People arriving late for a holiday/dinner party
5.You or your partner having to work during the holidays
Let’s look at each of these topics and see how you might be able to discuss them with your partner in a way that will lead to resolution, not resentment.
1.Arguing About Where to Spend the Holidays
Given that fully 82% of the people surveyed said that “spending quality time with family” was THE most important part of the holiday, your plans for where to spend the holidays will probably include some time with your family, their family, or both.
How to negotiate whose family you visit over the holidays:
*First, set aside a good hour to talk about this. You take turns for each of you to talk a bit about what being with your family over the holidays means to you. What were the family traditions growing up? What was your role? What parts did you not like? What was your favorite part of the holidays with your family? Flesh out the story of what it felt like at your house when you were a kid, a teenager, a young adult, etc. Do you have aging family members that it is important for you to see this year? Talk about the FEELINGS you had then and now.
When your partner is talking, your job is to LISTEN and ASK QUESTIONS. Just be curious! If they aren’t giving you the whole picture, ask good questions so you can fully imagine what it was like for them.
This process can lead not only to understanding a lot more about your partner, but also to them understanding more about themselves. And vice versa.
Once you understand more where your partner is coming from, it is much easier to talk about how you are going to spend your time over the holidays.
2.Arguing About How Much to Spend on Gifts
You can use a similar process to discuss gift-buying for friends, relatives, and each other. Talk about the role that gift-giving has had in your life. What does it mean to you to give a gift to a close relative? To a distant relative? What does that say about your relationship with them? What does it say about you? Chances are, your answers to some of these questions will be different. Remember, the point is not to defend your ideas about gifts, but to explain and understand.
What about the gifts you give each other? Is gift-giving one of your love languages? Is acts of service one of your partner’s? If you know this, you can use it in your choice of gifts for each other. Remember, meaningful gifts don’t have to be expensive gifts. The best gifts are ones that are thoughtful and personal. One gift you can give each other is the gift of listening and being curious without being defensive!
3.Arguing About Who Cooks and Who Cleans Up
This issue is one I hear time and time again in couples therapy. This simple issue is almost never just about cooking and cleaning up, and extends far beyond just the holiday season.
What is it really about? Usually it’s one of several things: 1.You don’t care what’s important to me (and that’s why you leave the dirty dishes out all night long, for example), or 2.Control (I don’t feel like I have any control over what happens in my own home; every time I walk in the door there’s another mess!), or 3.History (my mom constantly nagged my dad about everything, but especially about the dishes, and he has been miserable for years. I’m afraid that will happen to me when you bug me about cleaning up)
Asking and being curious can help you understand more about what’s really behind the argument.
Also, for dividing up household chores I would recommend the excellent system described in the book Fair Play. It takes some time to set up initially, but it takes the emotion out of the issue and works like a dream! Get the actual print book, so you can make notes and share!
4.Arguing About Arriving Late for a Holiday Party
Punctuality is an extremely common issue in couples counseling all year long! Often one partner is considerably more punctual than the other, and there can be a few different reasons behind this:
*Style and values.
One partner simply doesn’t value punctuality and the other one does. This is a situation that requires negotiation. Maybe you decide that because punctuality isn’t worth a fight, one partner will make it more of a priority in order to please the other. Or maybe one partner will decide that being on time is overrated. Or maybe you will go separately. Yes, you CAN go separately. You can’t imagine how many couples actually love this once they try it. They usually think their friends and family will judge them, but generally friends think it’s a great idea and want to adopt it in their own relationships.
*One or both partners are in denial about how much prep time they actually need.
Maybe you think you only need half an hour to get ready, and only plan for that, but it actually takes you 40-60 minutes almost every time. Having an honest conversation about this without judgement or blaming (“you don’t care that it’s important to me!”) may lead to a reality check that changes the game
*ADHD
People with ADHD are almost invariably late. An honest acknowledgement of how difficult this is for your partner (no guilt trips, though!) and a real effort at scheduling reasonable prep time can do wonders to build a little tolerance in a partner. It’s tough, but arguing won’t help. Lists and scheduling will. And, sometimes, traveling separately is the way to go.
*Control
Sometimes one partner uses being late as a passive-aggressive way to assert control in their relationship and/or their life. If this is the case, blaming won’t help, therapy will. This issue can be addressed either in individual or couples counseling. If you think your partner might be passively-aggressively using lateness to control the relationship, give me a call and we can discuss how therapy (for you, them, or both of you together) can help!
5.Arguing About One of You Having to Work Over the Holidays
This is also an issue that extends way beyond this time of year. Partners arguing about work/life balance is a main theme in couples therapy. This is one that is difficult to work out on your own, because it is often convoluted with many different long-standing ideas, feelings, and beliefs. Probably from way before your relationship even began.
For example: Does one or both of you have weak boundaries around work? What does work really mean for you? Is your identity tied up in your success at work? This is the case for many of us, in varying degrees. It can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on how it affects your life in other ways.
Are you more comfortable at work than at home? This, too can have many different points of origin. Many people have had no model of a healthy home life, and just find their role at work so much more straightforward. They feel lost at home and confident at work.
There are other life events and history that can come into play here, and it can be hard to sort out on your own. Couples counseling can help you sort through the issues you have individually and as a couple so that you can create the kind of work/life balance you both desire.
For the holidays, you might be able to compartmentalize and simply approach this topic from a very practical standpoint—Discuss clearly when work will be overlapping with family time. This includes checking your phone!!! Attention to cell phones is the number one complaint I get from partners in couples therapy. If you are in the time period you agreed not to work, put away your phone! I can’t stress enough what this will do for family harmony!
Still stressed by the idea of navigating difficult issues with your partner over the holidays?
In my couples therapy I use a specific model for teaching couples how to discuss difficult issues. I don’t want you to just come in and talk about “the argument of the week”, I want you to learn how to resolve these issues on your own! My goal is to make myself obsolete (I’ll never be obsolete in general, relationships are just too hard, but I want to be largely redundant in your life, because I’ve taught you how to resolve things on your own!)
Interested in learning more about couples therapy? Give me a call or shoot me an email and we can set up a free consultation where we can talk about what you are experiencing and how I can help!
Can’t get your partner to come to couples therapy?
I also do individual therapy where I help people change their relationships on their own. My clients are always amazed at how much of a difference they can make just with the tools they learn in their own individual therapy!
